A request from the Dark Lord
by Fluffy and Scary Satanic One
Summary: The Dark Lord wants something a bit... unusual, and his followers get it for him. We don't remember what we were smoking when we wrote this. Implied Slash in some parts, but nothing graphic, just so you've been warned.


"Bella?" Lucius said stiffly.

"Yes?" Bella responded dully, not looking at her brother-in-law.

"Don't stand so close to me."

Bella got a rather indignant look. "WHY THE BLOODY HELL NOT, YOU ALBINO SON OF A HALF-BLOOD STRIPPER?!"

"Well, Bella," Narcissa quickly intervened, "You are a rather frightening person when one doesn't know you very well." By a mere coincidence, her voice lost almost all of it's volume when she added, "Or when one does..."

"Oh, go fuck a mandrake, you—"

"Friends!" The Dark Lord began, "I have called you all here on such short notice because I have something very urgent to ask of you. I need this task accomplished immediately, and the first to do so will be greatly rewarded."

"What is it, my lord?" Bella stepped forward, "You need but to ask, my Lord, and I will do it! I am your most loyal, most faithful, most passionate, most devoted servant, who spent thirteen long years in Azkaban for you! I would do anything to aid you in any way! Our cause is my world! I—"

The Dark Lord held up a hand.

Another long moment passed in silence, as though the Dark Lord was waiting for someone else to step forward and repeat Bella's claims.

Narcissa's patience broke first.

"My Lord, what do you require?"

Nothing could have prepared them for what came next.

"Someone get me some chicken strips."

The room went from quiet to dead silent in an instant. No one moved. Most seemed to be waiting for their master to call out "APRIL FOOLS!" despite that it was October...

"What?!" Voldemort finally snapped, "Am I not _allowed_ to want chicken strips? Is that it? Am I just _insane_ because I get a little hungry every now and then?"

No one responded.

"I see how it is! I tell you I want to take over the Ministry and you all think it's just _great_! I tell you that I plan to create a pure-blood only society and pertinently shut us off from those with tainted blood, and you all _swear your eternal loyalties_ to me! I tell you that I want to make myself immortal, and _more power to me_! But if I tell you I want some chicken—One very simply pleasure! Something most of your probably eat every other fucking day—you all look at me like I belong in St. Mungo's insane ward! Of course the Dark Lord doesn't need chicken! The Dark Lord can just drink fucking snake milk for the rest of his life, because the Dark Lord just _loves_ fucking snake milk! Salazar forbid I actually want _normal_ food for a change! I'm allowed to torture you all mercilessly and kill whomever I feel like, but Slytherin help me if I want to add a little variety to my diet!"

None of the Death Eaters moved.

Voldemort took out his wand, "WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HERE?!"

Bella grabbed her sister, Narcissa grabbed Draco, and Draco grabbed his father, and they all appearated in less than three seconds.

* * *

"What _died_?!" Draco demanded, holding his nose as the smell of grease and salt attacked his senses.

"Chickens, I'm guessing," Bella told him dully.

Draco nodded and everyone looked at the menu board.

"How many orders do you think he wants?" Narcissa asked, "Will twelve pieces be enough?"

"That sounds fine. We'll need three orders then..." Lucius said.

"So, what...?" Bella said slowly, "We just go up there and tell them that?"

"That's what everyone else is doing." Draco nodded.

"But there aren't any house elves back there."

"I think they use these humans as slaves..." Narcissa said slowly, "The ones that are all wearing the really bad outfits..."

"There's this one Hufflepuff girl at school," Draco said after a moment, "Who says that muggles don't _have_ house elves."

Lucius slapped him, "Draco! What are you doing speaking to mud-blood Hufflepuffs?!"

"I didn't know she was a mud-blood until she said that! They ought to start tagging them."

"WHAT ARE YOU STARING AT YOU FILTHY MUGGLE?!" Rudolphus said, turning on a six-year-old girl.

She squeaked and ran away, which of course only made all of the other filthy muggles stare at them.

"Sir, is there a problem?" Someone asked.

Rudolphus simply muttered something about not talking to muggles and pushed Draco toward the counter. "You go."

"Why me?!" Draco whined.

"Because you're young and need to learn to start making sacrifices to protect the family." Lucius said.

"In other words," Rabastan said, "Because you're a child and you're the only here that everyone else can force... and Rudolphus, just wait until we get home, okay!" He snapped, batting his brother's hand away from his pants.

Draco moaned, "Alright..."

"Welcome to Good Burger, home of the Good Burger. Can I take your order?"

Draco blinked at him, "Er... three orders of your chicken strips, please..."

"That'll be eight seventy-nine."

"Eight hundred and seventy-nine, _what_?"

"No, not eight hundred and seventy-nine. Eight seventy-nine. Euro."

"What the Hell is Euro?!" Muggles were staring again.

"It's a currency. What are you, foreign?"

"Sort of..." Draco turned and yelled at the group of adults, who had bunched together in a corner and were doing all they could to discourage the muggles from looking at them, talking to them, or thinking of them. "Father, do we have any of these Euro thingys?"

Lucius sighed and walked up to his son. "Yes..." He said quietly, handing the money to the boy behind the counter and quickly steering Draco away.

"Father," Draco said as they all carefully took seats in a multi-colored booth, "What were you doing with muggle money?"

"I was wondering the same thing," Rudolphus jumped in.

"I..." Lucius cleared his throat awkwardly, "Well, the muggles have these stores that... Rudolphus, Rabastan, remember that night that..." Lucius looked at Draco carefully and made several odd hand gestures. Narcissa and Bellatrix broke out in laughter. "...Anyway, you just can't buy that in the wizarding world."

"Wha...?" Draco started to ask.

"Don't worry about it!" Rabastan snapped.

"Order 8979798698 up!"

"Is that us?" Narcissa asked.

"I think so." Draco said, looking at the strange looking parchment that their filthy muggle device had spat out. "The numbers here match it..."

"Go get it!" Rudolphus ordered Draco.

"They aren't going to bring it to us?"

"I don't think so." His uncle said, "Go get it!"

"I feel like a bloody house-elf..." Draco muttered as he got up and retrieved the food. The group hurriedly returned to their master.

* * *

"Here it is, my lord." Bella said as she handed him the boxes.

"Ah." The Dark Lord sighed, "Thank you. You shall be rewarded... NOW LEAVE."

"Wha—"

"I want to be alone with my chicken!" He clutched the box tightly.

"Quick!" Narcissa said, grabbing her son, "Let's get out before he rants again..."

**Authors' Note:**

Fluffy: We are so sorry for the Good Burger thing!

SSO: By which she means she is so sorry. I'm never sorry.

F: I just said it as a joke and...you know what happened...

SSO: Okay... well, we haven't died, not that Satan wouldn't have revied me, the wonderful Scary Satanic One, anyway.

F: SHUT UP! Anyway, we are living, and here's a fic to proove it!

SSO: Ta-da. There it was. throws up confetti unenthusiastically


End file.
